Be Out and Be Normal.

My post from We Are Atheism.

Hi! I'm Leia, and I am a mother and a wife. I love baking, sewing, needlepoint, reading, crocheting and music. I am a geek and probably always have been. Oh, and I am also an Atheist.

I was raised in a Mormon household. I was the stereotypical annoying religious girl in High School. I even gave most of my friends Books of Mormon with my testimony tucked inside. I was on the straight and narrow path to marrying a return missionary in the temple and having as many kids as I could pop out. But then a funny thing happened, somewhere along my path, I became an Atheist.

I can't truly pinpoint the moment I lost my firm grip on my religion. It was a process, a long process, that took years.

In college, I dated boys outside of Mormonism, which was frowned upon, and they helped me start to question things that I had always accepted on face value. I even married a non-member and even worse, we eloped to Sin City. I had become a 'Jack Mormon'. I struggled to stay active in the church, but I didn't really want to go. My husband attended more than I did and he wasn't even born and raised Mormon.

Then, it happened. A thing called Prop. 8. My family was on one side, and I found myself on the other. I felt at war with myself. I had been slowly changing over the years and almost didn't even realize it until my values and ideals were at odds with what my family and the Prophet were saying that god would want. That moment at my mother's dinner table I realized that I could no longer be Mormon. I could no longer be counted with them. I could no longer be okay with raising my daughters to follow blindly.

After that I tried so hard to find god somewhere else. I tried to find him in non-denominational Christianity, I tried to find him in Nature, Science, Buddhism... but he was no where. And then it clicked, and I was able to let go of the idea that he had to be somewhere.

I started reading atheist blogs, cartoons, books and forums. I started thinking for myself, coming to my own conclusions and something happened that I never, ever imagined could; I felt happy. Truly happy. Instead of brushing off questions by using a god based answer, I was really learning why rainbows appear and how Newton proved the spectrum of light, how evolution works and what natural selection is. And the more I filled my head with knowledge, the less I needed a god.

It changed me as a mother. I am still the geek I always was, but now I look at my children as the real miracles they are. They weren't predestined to me mine, but I am responsible for them, for teaching them and molding them into the freethinking people they will one day become. And that is so much better than any god reason that I have ever believed.

I keep my atheism to myself for the most part. I never really 'came out', because walking away from Mormonism, even though at the time I still believed in god, was enough to put major strain on the relationship I had with my family. I may as well have become a baby eating devil worshiper.

I told my husband one night, and he shrugged it off, he loved me for me, not my beliefs in a deity. My children know I don't believe in god and they go back and forth between believing and not believing in god, unicorns, faeries, monsters and Santa. They'll make up their minds when they are ready.

The rainbow lining.

I am thankful for Proposition 8.

Before you wonder what is wrong with me, let me explain. I try my hardest to see the silver lining, even if it's a stretch. Honestly, in the best scenario I can imagine, there would never have been a need for Prop 22 or Prop 8. I would love to have been born into a world where love between two adults was never viewed as wrong.

(Or ten adults, who am I to put boundaries on love?)

But Prop 8 did happen. It happened in my lifetime, in both my daughters' lifetime. And that is inexcusable. But without it, I don't think I would have ever fully walked away from Mormonism. And that would be tragic for me. I am not saying that my fellow Americans being denied the right to marry isn't exponentially more tragic, because it is. I am saying that there is a silver lining, at least in my little world.

Watching Prop 8 unfold in real time over the course of months, listening to both sides of the argument, and seeing the passion from both sides of my family and my husband, led me down my own path of logic. I started to see how people wanted to push their own personal values into state law, and I started to realize how unconstitutional that is.

I have never really viewed my children as 'mine'. They are people, not possessions. I see them as their own individual people. They are always allowed to think their own thoughts and draw their own conclusions. How could I be okay with them growing up only to find they may not be able to marry the person they love? I couldn't let that happen; I won't let that happen.

I feel guilty that it took my own selfish reasons to be able to view gay rights as human rights. I wish I was born into a home where this life was more cherished than an afterlife. But here I am, now, right now and I am grateful that Prop. 8 forced me to view the world in a more loving, open light.

I cried when the numbers came in on November 4th, 2008. I couldn't believe Prop. 8 passed. And for the very first time, I wrote a letter to my Representatives and the Governor. I couldn't believe we were voting on civil rights. How could people claim rights for themselves that they were denying their fellow humans?

I was ecstatic when Judge Walker overturned Prop 8, and I hope in the near future all people will be able to marry in California again. And I am so very happy to see more and more states allow civil unions. And that may be enough for some, but I know I will not be satisfied until we have marriage equality. The love I have for my husband and the strength of my marriage can only become more meaningful when the joys and protections that I have because of it, are available for everyone.

Celebrating Two Years as an Atheist

My Freedom From Religion Foundation billboard.

I am so fortunate to have found the strength and the knowledge to leave religion.

I will be forever grateful to every atheist I encountered in 2009 who helped me, who answered my questions and who showed me where to find out the answers if they didn't know them. Including a few authors, whose writings will be read and reread for many years to come.

I am thankful to every Christian who posed questions on the Craigslist ATFO, without reading all the well thought out answers by Atheists, I wouldn't have been able to start seeing the light.

I am so grateful to have found joy in my life, which has replaced almost all of the guilt.

I am very thankful that my husband, who married me while I was religious, has stuck by my side throughout my journey. He has been a shoulder to cry on, and a wonderful support. I couldn't ask for a better life partner or best friend.

I am so happy that I realized religion was a pile of bullshit, before I started to brainwash my children. With the way I was raised to handle and feel guilt, I don't know if I could have lived with myself if I had walked away from religion after having started my children down the path of Mormonism.

I am so grateful that there are organizations like the Center for Inquiry, UU churches, Foundation Beyond Belief and the Freedom From Religion Foundation.


Want to make your own billboard? Go to www.ffrf.org/out to try it yourself!

The Planetarium

For every birthday that comes along in our family, we try to do something special. This past week my husband not only celebrated his birthday, but Father's Day followed shortly after. We decided to head down to the Indianapolis Children's Museum, as it was the request of our two daughters and their father loves them enough to give up his fishing plans.

The Indianapolis Children's Museum is huge. It has 5 floors of exhibits, which could fill 2-3 days full of learning fun. It has a working antique carousel, paleontologists on hand, a theater, a library, and a planetarium. It is absolutely awesome.

My girls recognized the building, even though it's been over a year since we had visited. They kept thanking us for bringing them to the museum and became giggly as we parked the car. They skipped across the bridge into the museum, and waited anxiously in the line to get in.

They posed for a few pictures for me, as the museum had an awesome display of famous paintings made with Jelly Bellies, that I just had to capture.

When we headed down to the Dinosphere to check out the dinosaur exhibit, we passed a Super Croc skeleton. A museum employee had a table set up for the children to see and touch the Super Croc's teeth. The museum employee asked the girls where their teeth are, my girls obliged, opening their mouths for the lady to see.

The employee asked Kate if any of her teeth were loose yet, and Kate said no. The employee then told Kate to keep her teeth when they fall out, as she could put them under her pillow for the tooth fairy to collect in exchange for money. Without missing a beat, Kate looked quizzically at the adult woman in front of her and said, "The tooth fairy isn't real." I know that surprised the employee, as Kate is of the age to believe in things like that. But Kate has no reason to, as I have never lied to her.

When they had a choice between going to the Science exhibit or going to the Barbie exhibit, they chose Science. They love dolls, they love to play, but when given the choice, they wanted to experiment, they wanted to learn. And that made me so proud.

Towards the end of our visit we decided to watch the last showing of "Wonders of the Universe", which goes from the beginning of time to present day in regards to the Universe. It uses images captured by the Hubble telescope, and is full of scientific explanations.

In the introduction, the narrator said that watching this show was akin to 'being able to see through the eyes of god'. I chuckled a little because it caught me a little off guard and I almost felt like the science behind it was being apologetic to the potential religious folks in the audience.  Like they had to say something ignorant in order to help the devout religious folks retain interest in the rest of the show.

My girls watched in awe as we saw groups of stars, suns and planets, galaxies and the Milky Way, right up through our Solar System. I was a proud momma, besides a few requests for a drink, my preschoolers watched and asked really good questions throughout.

As we were leaving the planetarium, my girls were bustling about with curiosities and questions. That is when the lady exiting in front of us opened her mouth and loudly stated, "That was all based on that no good Big Bang Theory. We all know that God Jesus created everything." Granted, I am sure she directed that ignorant statement towards the 10 year old boy she was with, but my children overheard it, as did everyone within 100 feet of her, which I believe was her intention.

It wasn't difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. I don't like confrontation, and that lady is free to believe whatever she wants to believe. It kinda saddened me that she was forcing that kind of ignorance onto her 10 year old companion, but it's a free country and not up to me to correct her. What I was able to do was pull aside my own freethinking children and start a little discussion on why that lady said those things.

My girls understand that some people believe in a god, some people believe in gods and goddesses, some people believe in Santa, some people believe in a heaven and some people believe in a devil. They know that I don't.

I don't correct them when they do decide to believe in things that I don't believe in, but they tend to change their mind about what is real and what isn't, as they are still only 4 and 5 years old. Which is fine. I am an atheist, they are not. They are too young to be able to know what they believe in. They are still sketchy about dragons and unicorns, how could they possibly know whether or not there is a divine power that controls us all and decides whether we all live and die? Or whether or not there is life after our bodies stop working?

But as long as I am able to teach them that science can prove many things, but not all (at least not yet), I know I am doing a good job raising my freethinkers.

Picture: The dinosaurs in front of the Indianapolis Children's Museum, trying to break in through the roof.

As life continues on...

Every so often I take a moment out of my busy day and think about how different my life is from how it 'should have been'. Little things will trigger the overflow of happy thoughts, like missionaries riding their bikes up the street or even certain songs on the radio.

I should be married to a return missionary. I should have a calling in the church, I should have at least 2 additional children by now, I should have mastered the art of quilting and I should be staying at home raising my children. But I am not. My time isn't spent planning lessons for Sunday School, it's not spent quilting and practicing hymns on the piano for Sacrament Meeting, like I thought it would be when I was 12.

I have been keeping a journal since I was very young. I have a few journal entries from Kindergarten, but I didn't really start keeping a steady journal until I was about 9 years old. I love going back and reading my young developing thoughts. I love how I was planning on going to BYU, becoming a teacher, marrying a return missionary, having 17 children and being a stay at home mom. I love how I wanted to get married in the temple. I remember visiting the St. George Temple in Utah and falling in love with the building. That became my favorite temple and the one I wanted to be sealed in. (Sealed: Mormon speak for marriage, but a sealing is forever.)

Sweet memories from a life I used to live. I love looking back at how I embraced the life I was born into. I love how my friends wanted to be veterinarians and ballerinas and all I wanted to be was a mommy. I love reading how my story unfolded. I love how different I am from who I thought I would be. I love that I didn't accomplish any of those young goals.

But looking back at those goals I had set, it saddens me a bit that I wasn't taught to look for a kind, loving partner; I just focused on finding a return missionary. I wasn't taught to be responsible with procreating, I was just focused on having as many children as my body could pump out. I wasn't focused on my own education as a way to better myself for my future, I just focused on going to a Mormon University in the hopes I would find my future husband there. But the sting of sadness just helps me teach my daughters to focus their goals more responsibly.

Where I imagined I would be by the sweet age of 30 is so far from where I am. And it's not a bad thing. I don't feel like I failed somewhere along the way because I am not in a 1950's inspired apron wearing heels, baking brownies, cupcakes and apple pie while singing and dancing around the kitchen. Letting that image of my future self die was difficult, but long overdue.

Don't get me wrong, I do wish I would have finished college. I blame not earning my degree mostly on the fact that making any kind of solid decision isn't my strong point. I am not the kind of girl who knows what she wants and goes out and gets it. I just wish the college courses I have taken and mastered would add up to something called a degree, but with time, I can rectify that.

My life has been painful and wonderful. Being a mother is so insanely frustrating and amazingly rewarding. I think that would be true whether I was Mormon or Christian or Jewish or Atheist. So as much as my life has been so very different than I ever imagined, I am sure my enjoyment of it is strikingly similar to how it would have been had I never doubted god.

I am not the person, wife or mother I thought I would be when I was 12. And even though it's been tough at times to let the Mormon parts of me die, I still look back and love the child I used to be. I can't deny that I am so different than who my parents wanted me to be. I am in such a different place and my children are being raised so differently than I imagined.

Being able to reminisce in the thoughts of my childhood as written by myself gives me all the more reason to buy my daughters journals when they turn 9.

A letter of love from my Aunt Brenda

On September 21, 2009, I signed into my facebook account and noticed that I had a message. I love receiving correspondence, even if it is electronic and through a social networking site. It was from my cousin Kris. He and I were close as children and grew up as friends. We grew apart over the years, mostly because his family moved to Oklahoma when I was 12, though I can't deny that his blatant drug abuse did contribute to the lull in communication.

It took me a moment to realize that the message was actually penned by his mother, my Aunt Brenda, who is my mother's older sister. She had written and sent it to me, through his account the night before.

It read:

Stop telling lies about my sister. I have contacted everyone in the family and told them the truth about you. You are a big fat liar. And you are to stop talking about Ramona and making up such horrible lies. You are no longer in our family. You have chosen your gross, fat, lying and creepy husband over your sweet, innocent, truth telling mother. This shows we were all right about you. We told Ramona, when she found out she was pregnant by that sleazy, lying, bastard who RAPED her, to get an abortion. Because her child would turn out to be just like the evil man who RAPED her. You are living proof we were right!!!! You are incapable of telling the truth and the whole family knows it. He CONFESSED to the police when Ramona filed criminal charges against him right in front of grandma and grandpa, so he wouldn't have to face a judge- he was such a coward. You never met him- I did! You have no proof of your lies, but I have proof of the truth. You don't need to know any more than that about your RAPIST biological father.

You are to apologize to your mother, tell everyone you lied and are sorry, put your awful husband in his place or leave him, tell Ramona where you are, and send her pictures of her grandchildren. You have until the end of the week to do what I say!!! Or I will tell everyone about your evil husband and a few of your dirty secrets. I can always find you and I will.

Aunt Brenda


I am not going to lie, the part about how I should have been aborted was painful enough to bring me to tears. Most of the rest of it is bologna, but I can't deny that it hurt. Especially since I didn't do anything to provoke her cruelty. I hadn't spoken to her in at least 2 years. (I edited her email to me because of some of the things she said were unforgivably perverted.) I spent some time thinking about what she wrote, I called my husband at work to hear some kind words, then wrote a response...

Hey Brenda!

Okay, so I am no longer in the family. I will delete Samantha, Bonnie, Mauro and Kris from my facebook friends. (And cousin Kristen, Bobby and his wife Amy for good measure.) If I am no longer in the family, your sister is no longer my mother and no longer my children's grandmother, so no worries or obligations there. Thank you for my freedom.

You should have fought harder for that abortion. You failed your sister in that aspect. Such a shame, hindsight is always 20/20. There are three kinds of truth; your truth, my truth and universal truth. I choose not to believe your sister's truth. If that makes me evil, fine. I have known my husband for over 18 years. I know him better than anyone, and what you said is just disgusting. YOU don't need to know more than that about MY loyal, trustworthy husband.

Confess all the 'dirty secrets' you know about me, the evil child you helped bring into fruition, I don't care. Lie all you want about my husband. You have no power over me. Thank you for showing me your true colors as well. I was really enjoying getting to know Bonnie (her daughter) as an adult and fellow mother. I had no idea when Kris emailed me to see how I was doing, it was just you fishing for information.

I love how you didn't come to me with the spirit of Christ in your heart. I love how you cast judgment on a man (my husband) that you don't even know. I love that you think you are a worthy defender of your sister, but you come with such hate. "You are living proof that 'we' were right." (You didn't specify the others in that witch hunting party.) Wow, no need to sugar coat that.

If I am the embodiment of evil, why in the world would you even care? Shouldn't you be happy that I am gone and shouldn't you be licking your sister's wounds telling her 'we told you so'? It's amazing how someone evil like me can respond to such a hate filled email without lowering myself to your level with name calling and accusation throwing.

What happened at church yesterday to fill you with so much of Christ's love to make you come at me like that? Must have been a moving talk during Sacrament Meeting...


I admit that my response was written with a tinge of the pain I was still feeling from her message, but I still stand by what I said to this day. She came at me, unprovoked, on a mission to hurt me at any cost. She didn't live by her religion when she decided that something needed to be done about her sister's relationship with me, her sister's daughter. Her hypocrisy astounded me. She was so angry because she felt I was hurting someone she loved, so she was out to hurt the person her loved one loved. Baffling. Even a year later, after all the emotions have subsided, I still don't understand why she emailed me that Sunday night.

Pretty sure Jesus said something along the lines of, 'As I have loved you, love one another'. It's sad that a 'grown' 55 year old woman can't even abide by a simple Primary Song.

Picture: Disabled person crossing sign we pass on the way back from the lake.

A Year of Atheism

Well, it's official. I have been referring to myself as an atheist for an entire year.

On August 12th, 2009, I stopped calling myself an agnostic theist and fully embraced the term atheist.

This past year has been amazing. I have learned so much about science, religion, myself, Earth, who my true friends are and how much I love life.

From finding the atheist forum on Craigslist.org where I found irreligious humor that really got me thinking, to following Mr. Hemant Mehta and his Friendly Atheist website which got me talking. I have changed so much this past year.

As shocking as it may sound, once I admitted my atheism, I wasn't overwhelmed with the urge to start killing babies, raping sheep or lying whenever I got the chance. I didn't start being a horrible mother, a person with no morals or a disloyal friend. I was the same shy, dorky girl I had always been. A funny thing started to happen though. The more I educated myself on religion and science, the more confidence I gained. I started growing a back bone, I started being able to find logic and reasoning in my arguments and I began to be able to back up what I believed with proof.

I had never been part of a group who so willingly shared their points of view, even if they were unpopular. My fellow atheists gave me links and things to look up on my own to support what they had said. Everything was open and on the table. No question that I asked was taboo and no one ever told me that I shouldn't be asking so many questions.

It was a year of firsts. I first started calling myself an atheist. I first started calling my children freethinkers. I first told my husband that I didn't believe in god. I had my first Christmas and Easter without a half baked belief in a supernatural being. I wrote my first letter to the Mormon church, and after they took their sweet ass time I received the confirmation letter of my resignation from their organization. I celebrated my first birthday (the big 3-0) as an atheist. It was my first year as an atheist mother.

I have gained so much this past year. I have learned so much, that I know I would have never been open to learning if I were still Mormon. I have gained a true joy of living. I have started to be genuinely thankful for the little things. I have been able to stop using heaven as an excuse to be a shrew, as an excuse to put important things off, as an excuse to live irresponsibly towards Earth and as an excuse to judge everyone for everything.

I have found that it's not true, what many god believing people say about atheists, how we don't have joy and how we don't believe in anything. At least in my situation. I still have many beliefs, some new beliefs, and many things that I hold so very dear to my heart. It's just now I can back my beliefs up with facts.

I believe in the power of love, the calming sense of peace, and Earthly beauty. I believe that kindness can be contagious, and so can knowledge. I believe in humanity. I believe in equal rights, freedom and honesty. I believe in science.

I have fallen deeper in love with my husband and my children, and I haven't been restricted by an obligated love of a deity. Without years and years of guilt to weigh me down, I have been able to look at myself in a more honest light. I have begun to finally love myself, which has allowed me to speak my mind.

I love how Penn Jillette put it, "Believing there is no god gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that makes this life the best life I will ever have."

My girls as faeries on my big 3-0 at the Faerie Festival.