As life continues on...

Every so often I take a moment out of my busy day and think about how different my life is from how it 'should have been'. Little things will trigger the overflow of happy thoughts, like missionaries riding their bikes up the street or even certain songs on the radio.

I should be married to a return missionary. I should have a calling in the church, I should have at least 2 additional children by now, I should have mastered the art of quilting and I should be staying at home raising my children. But I am not. My time isn't spent planning lessons for Sunday School, it's not spent quilting and practicing hymns on the piano for Sacrament Meeting, like I thought it would be when I was 12.

I have been keeping a journal since I was very young. I have a few journal entries from Kindergarten, but I didn't really start keeping a steady journal until I was about 9 years old. I love going back and reading my young developing thoughts. I love how I was planning on going to BYU, becoming a teacher, marrying a return missionary, having 17 children and being a stay at home mom. I love how I wanted to get married in the temple. I remember visiting the St. George Temple in Utah and falling in love with the building. That became my favorite temple and the one I wanted to be sealed in. (Sealed: Mormon speak for marriage, but a sealing is forever.)

Sweet memories from a life I used to live. I love looking back at how I embraced the life I was born into. I love how my friends wanted to be veterinarians and ballerinas and all I wanted to be was a mommy. I love reading how my story unfolded. I love how different I am from who I thought I would be. I love that I didn't accomplish any of those young goals.

But looking back at those goals I had set, it saddens me a bit that I wasn't taught to look for a kind, loving partner; I just focused on finding a return missionary. I wasn't taught to be responsible with procreating, I was just focused on having as many children as my body could pump out. I wasn't focused on my own education as a way to better myself for my future, I just focused on going to a Mormon University in the hopes I would find my future husband there. But the sting of sadness just helps me teach my daughters to focus their goals more responsibly.

Where I imagined I would be by the sweet age of 30 is so far from where I am. And it's not a bad thing. I don't feel like I failed somewhere along the way because I am not in a 1950's inspired apron wearing heels, baking brownies, cupcakes and apple pie while singing and dancing around the kitchen. Letting that image of my future self die was difficult, but long overdue.

Don't get me wrong, I do wish I would have finished college. I blame not earning my degree mostly on the fact that making any kind of solid decision isn't my strong point. I am not the kind of girl who knows what she wants and goes out and gets it. I just wish the college courses I have taken and mastered would add up to something called a degree, but with time, I can rectify that.

My life has been painful and wonderful. Being a mother is so insanely frustrating and amazingly rewarding. I think that would be true whether I was Mormon or Christian or Jewish or Atheist. So as much as my life has been so very different than I ever imagined, I am sure my enjoyment of it is strikingly similar to how it would have been had I never doubted god.

I am not the person, wife or mother I thought I would be when I was 12. And even though it's been tough at times to let the Mormon parts of me die, I still look back and love the child I used to be. I can't deny that I am so different than who my parents wanted me to be. I am in such a different place and my children are being raised so differently than I imagined.

Being able to reminisce in the thoughts of my childhood as written by myself gives me all the more reason to buy my daughters journals when they turn 9.

A letter of love from my Aunt Brenda

On September 21, 2009, I signed into my facebook account and noticed that I had a message. I love receiving correspondence, even if it is electronic and through a social networking site. It was from my cousin Kris. He and I were close as children and grew up as friends. We grew apart over the years, mostly because his family moved to Oklahoma when I was 12, though I can't deny that his blatant drug abuse did contribute to the lull in communication.

It took me a moment to realize that the message was actually penned by his mother, my Aunt Brenda, who is my mother's older sister. She had written and sent it to me, through his account the night before.

It read:

Stop telling lies about my sister. I have contacted everyone in the family and told them the truth about you. You are a big fat liar. And you are to stop talking about Ramona and making up such horrible lies. You are no longer in our family. You have chosen your gross, fat, lying and creepy husband over your sweet, innocent, truth telling mother. This shows we were all right about you. We told Ramona, when she found out she was pregnant by that sleazy, lying, bastard who RAPED her, to get an abortion. Because her child would turn out to be just like the evil man who RAPED her. You are living proof we were right!!!! You are incapable of telling the truth and the whole family knows it. He CONFESSED to the police when Ramona filed criminal charges against him right in front of grandma and grandpa, so he wouldn't have to face a judge- he was such a coward. You never met him- I did! You have no proof of your lies, but I have proof of the truth. You don't need to know any more than that about your RAPIST biological father.

You are to apologize to your mother, tell everyone you lied and are sorry, put your awful husband in his place or leave him, tell Ramona where you are, and send her pictures of her grandchildren. You have until the end of the week to do what I say!!! Or I will tell everyone about your evil husband and a few of your dirty secrets. I can always find you and I will.

Aunt Brenda


I am not going to lie, the part about how I should have been aborted was painful enough to bring me to tears. Most of the rest of it is bologna, but I can't deny that it hurt. Especially since I didn't do anything to provoke her cruelty. I hadn't spoken to her in at least 2 years. (I edited her email to me because of some of the things she said were unforgivably perverted.) I spent some time thinking about what she wrote, I called my husband at work to hear some kind words, then wrote a response...

Hey Brenda!

Okay, so I am no longer in the family. I will delete Samantha, Bonnie, Mauro and Kris from my facebook friends. (And cousin Kristen, Bobby and his wife Amy for good measure.) If I am no longer in the family, your sister is no longer my mother and no longer my children's grandmother, so no worries or obligations there. Thank you for my freedom.

You should have fought harder for that abortion. You failed your sister in that aspect. Such a shame, hindsight is always 20/20. There are three kinds of truth; your truth, my truth and universal truth. I choose not to believe your sister's truth. If that makes me evil, fine. I have known my husband for over 18 years. I know him better than anyone, and what you said is just disgusting. YOU don't need to know more than that about MY loyal, trustworthy husband.

Confess all the 'dirty secrets' you know about me, the evil child you helped bring into fruition, I don't care. Lie all you want about my husband. You have no power over me. Thank you for showing me your true colors as well. I was really enjoying getting to know Bonnie (her daughter) as an adult and fellow mother. I had no idea when Kris emailed me to see how I was doing, it was just you fishing for information.

I love how you didn't come to me with the spirit of Christ in your heart. I love how you cast judgment on a man (my husband) that you don't even know. I love that you think you are a worthy defender of your sister, but you come with such hate. "You are living proof that 'we' were right." (You didn't specify the others in that witch hunting party.) Wow, no need to sugar coat that.

If I am the embodiment of evil, why in the world would you even care? Shouldn't you be happy that I am gone and shouldn't you be licking your sister's wounds telling her 'we told you so'? It's amazing how someone evil like me can respond to such a hate filled email without lowering myself to your level with name calling and accusation throwing.

What happened at church yesterday to fill you with so much of Christ's love to make you come at me like that? Must have been a moving talk during Sacrament Meeting...


I admit that my response was written with a tinge of the pain I was still feeling from her message, but I still stand by what I said to this day. She came at me, unprovoked, on a mission to hurt me at any cost. She didn't live by her religion when she decided that something needed to be done about her sister's relationship with me, her sister's daughter. Her hypocrisy astounded me. She was so angry because she felt I was hurting someone she loved, so she was out to hurt the person her loved one loved. Baffling. Even a year later, after all the emotions have subsided, I still don't understand why she emailed me that Sunday night.

Pretty sure Jesus said something along the lines of, 'As I have loved you, love one another'. It's sad that a 'grown' 55 year old woman can't even abide by a simple Primary Song.

Picture: Disabled person crossing sign we pass on the way back from the lake.

A Year of Atheism

Well, it's official. I have been referring to myself as an atheist for an entire year.

On August 12th, 2009, I stopped calling myself an agnostic theist and fully embraced the term atheist.

This past year has been amazing. I have learned so much about science, religion, myself, Earth, who my true friends are and how much I love life.

From finding the atheist forum on Craigslist.org where I found irreligious humor that really got me thinking, to following Mr. Hemant Mehta and his Friendly Atheist website which got me talking. I have changed so much this past year.

As shocking as it may sound, once I admitted my atheism, I wasn't overwhelmed with the urge to start killing babies, raping sheep or lying whenever I got the chance. I didn't start being a horrible mother, a person with no morals or a disloyal friend. I was the same shy, dorky girl I had always been. A funny thing started to happen though. The more I educated myself on religion and science, the more confidence I gained. I started growing a back bone, I started being able to find logic and reasoning in my arguments and I began to be able to back up what I believed with proof.

I had never been part of a group who so willingly shared their points of view, even if they were unpopular. My fellow atheists gave me links and things to look up on my own to support what they had said. Everything was open and on the table. No question that I asked was taboo and no one ever told me that I shouldn't be asking so many questions.

It was a year of firsts. I first started calling myself an atheist. I first started calling my children freethinkers. I first told my husband that I didn't believe in god. I had my first Christmas and Easter without a half baked belief in a supernatural being. I wrote my first letter to the Mormon church, and after they took their sweet ass time I received the confirmation letter of my resignation from their organization. I celebrated my first birthday (the big 3-0) as an atheist. It was my first year as an atheist mother.

I have gained so much this past year. I have learned so much, that I know I would have never been open to learning if I were still Mormon. I have gained a true joy of living. I have started to be genuinely thankful for the little things. I have been able to stop using heaven as an excuse to be a shrew, as an excuse to put important things off, as an excuse to live irresponsibly towards Earth and as an excuse to judge everyone for everything.

I have found that it's not true, what many god believing people say about atheists, how we don't have joy and how we don't believe in anything. At least in my situation. I still have many beliefs, some new beliefs, and many things that I hold so very dear to my heart. It's just now I can back my beliefs up with facts.

I believe in the power of love, the calming sense of peace, and Earthly beauty. I believe that kindness can be contagious, and so can knowledge. I believe in humanity. I believe in equal rights, freedom and honesty. I believe in science.

I have fallen deeper in love with my husband and my children, and I haven't been restricted by an obligated love of a deity. Without years and years of guilt to weigh me down, I have been able to look at myself in a more honest light. I have begun to finally love myself, which has allowed me to speak my mind.

I love how Penn Jillette put it, "Believing there is no god gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that makes this life the best life I will ever have."

My girls as faeries on my big 3-0 at the Faerie Festival.

Guilt Sandwiches

In the Mormon church, all girls from ages 12-18 attend Young Women classes on Sundays. They also go to Mutual on Wednesday nights. The Beehives are the girls who are 12-13 (Jr. High), Mia Maids are 14-15 (Freshmen/Sophmores) and Laurels are 16-17, sometimes 18 (Jrs and Srs.). My mother was called to lead the group of girls one age group older than me when I first entered Young Womens.

We sometimes had a class together on Sundays, so instead of separating into our age groups, we would all gather together to hear one of the Young Women Leaders give an all encompassing lesson.

One random Sunday it was my mothers turn to give the lesson. It was on chastity. She had placed a beautiful long stem red rose in one of my grandma's vases from home, in the middle of the table in the front of the classroom.

She started her lesson, talking about how we were all so precious. We were all loved by our Heavenly Father and how we were all princesses. She spoke of how we would all marry a worthy priesthood holder in the temple one day and how we would be able to stay on the path of righteousness and one day have our own planet, a flock of sisterwives and the love of many spirit children.

She spoke of how we were beautiful, just like the rose in the vase on the table. She then took a step towards the rose and plucked a petal from it. She held the petal in her hand and said that it takes away from us, if we make-out with a boy. She plucked another petal and said it takes away from our worth (to a potential worthy priesthood holder) if we allow a boy we are dating to touch our breasts.

She continued pulling irreplaceable petals from this poor rose until the last one, which she 'labled' having sex before marriage.

A few girls who had gone kinda far with their boyfriends had tears streaming down their faces. A few who were rumored to have gone all the way were stoic. I was dumbstruck. I couldn't believe that my mom ripped apart a rose from my grandmothers garden, just to guilt us into staying chaste.

The room fell silent. My mom made the point that our Heavenly Father loves us, he doesn't want this for us... (a barren rose with it's sexual organs displayed for all to see, sticking straight out of my grandmothers vase.) I felt so sad. There should have been a way for repentance. But there was no coming back from that.

We ended that lesson with a song and a prayer and went home. I hate to think that my mother's point was that without our virginity we were worthless, but I think that may have been the moral the church wanted our teachers to put forth to us.

It didn't stop a lot of the girls that went through Young Women's before me and after me. It didn't stop me. All it really did was give a weight of guilt. A feeling of never being able to be whole again. Every Mormon boy I dated after that, I felt unworthy for, even if he had 'given' himself to someone else before meeting me.

I know most religions teach repentance, but the guilt they put on the children, even before the sin can ever be committed, lingers. I struggle with my self worth even to this day because of what I learned in church. What I learned at home from my mother. Even with regards to what beauty is.

Instead of educating us on safe sex, or the horrors of unprotected sex, we got guilt. No actual education of any kind, no real facts or knowledge... just guilt, served up Mormon style; sweet words of praise first, guilt in the middle, then sweet words of warning, like a guilt sandwich. Looking back, that is really all I ever truly learned. How to handle guilt, how to work my way through it and how to not pile it onto my children. Which is a much better lesson to take away, in my opinion, than the actual lesson given.

Root Beer laced with Vanilla Vodka

I rarely see our letter carrier. But I happened to be outside, tending to my garden when she came by with our mail. She handed the two letters directly to me, and I thanked her. The letter on top was junk mail. But the one on the bottom was from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

My stomach fluttered. I figured it was my release letter, but a piece of me wondered if they were excommunicating me, or if it was another plea to come back to 'the flock'.

I started opening it as I walked around to the backyard, looking for my husband. I slowly pulled out the letter and read aloud the words, "This letter is to notify you that, in accordance with your request, your name has been removed from the membership records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."

A feeling of comfort came over me. I was seriously starting to prepare myself to be able to deal with never getting it. But here it was, in my hand, and it was the greatest gift the Mormon church ever gave me.

I got a big hug from my husband, and he made me some celebratory drinks. An alcoholic Root Beer Float. Nothing beats Root Beer, Vanilla Vodka and some milk. Nom Nom Nom...

Now I can no longer be counted as a member of their church. When they use their numbers to seem believable to potential converts, or to help members stave off their cognitive dissonance, I am no longer a tool in their armory of deceit. And it feels really, really good.

Picture: My two daughters on Halloween 2008, dancing to the carousel music at Knott's Berry Farm... that's how I feel now...

My husband got his letter...

Where the hell is mine??

I was born into a Mormon family. My husband was baptized in 2004 out of pressure from my Mormon family. He didn't have a set religion before and figured that Mormonism was just another Christian religion. To find out why it's not please visit SmithBusters.


Did they let him out sooner because of his lack of 'tenure'?

I started sharing my doubts with him over the course of our marriage and in November 2008, I told him I was done. He had no problem walking away with me. A little over a year later, in January 2010, I wrote our formal letters and mailed them together. We both got a little 'guilt' packet, pleading with us to give the church one more try. It came with a mild threat of church members showing up on our front door step.

Well, no one ever came and we didn't get a letter releasing us, so I set out to write another letter.

The letter formally releasing my husband from the church showed up a few weeks ago. I figured mine would be close behind. It's been two weeks since my husband received his letter, and I am still standing here empty handed.

I can't help but wonder if my 29 year 'membership' vs. his 5 year 'membership' has something to do with it.

I feel the need to point out what they are doing is actually all their own drama. Legally, the second they received my letter, I was no longer a member. It's only my own desire to actually hold the letter, that is forcing me to continue to write letters requesting to receive my freedom in written form. (I checked the Mormon No More website and it is no longer up. You can get the original information by going here.)

Even if I never receive a tangible letter to frame or scrapbook, I know that I haven't been Mormon for a long time. I haven't had a testimony since I was 17. I haven't fully believed since I was 21. I haven't gone to church every Sunday since I was 20. I haven't prayed willingly on my own since I was 26. I haven't wanted a temple marriage since I was 27. At 28, I stopped referring to myself as Mormon. It's been a slow process, but it's been steady.

I will celebrate liberally the day I receive my letter. Though I know that if I never get a letter releasing me from their records, I will be okay. By using my own logic and reason, I have saved my children from years of guilt, years of not feeling worthy of life or love and a lifetime of cognitive dissonance. The Mormon Church has stolen so much happiness and self worth from me that I could not, in good conscience, let the same thing happen to my daughters.

But honestly, I celebrate a little every day that I wake up. It's one more day as a mother, a wife, and an atheist on this wonderful rock, spinning through space.

Picture: Sea stars at the Aquarium of the Bay in San Fransisco.

A letter from a stranger

The following took place through facebook messages. I don't know this lady, but she felt comfortable enough to email me. (I changed her name a little.)

***

Carrie Lutz Grant January 13 at 1:34am Report

Why did you leave the church? Why are you denying your children the chance to grow up with the gospel? It can only bring good into your life.

Leilani (Me) January 13 at 11:34am

Sister Grant,

It's always odd getting an email from a stranger asking me questions that are, quite frankly, none of their business.

I understand your concern for me, a lady whom you've never met, as I have been on your side of the story. I appreciate you keeping your email so short. I, unfortunately, won't be able to keep it as 'to the point'.

It was a very difficult decision to leave the LDS church. I was born and raised in it. And I can't say one decision led me to leave. It was years and years of pain and truth that one day, I could no longer bear, nor deny.

My mother lied to my biological father. After she had me, behind his back,s he told him she was only 16 when they made me, and that she would press charges if he didn't sign custody over. He only got to hold me once. She denied him his daughter his whole life. He died in April of 1998, 3 months before my mom told me that she, my dad (step dad), and EVERY other Mormon family member intentionally lied to me for 18 years. They denied me my birth father, my two older brothers and a little sister.

I believe in equal rights. The Mormon church does not. Blah, blah, blah about how the LDS church doesn't hate gays. I am not accusing hate. Separation of church and state is very important. The church's stance on marriage equality sickens me. No matter what one's spiritual beliefs are, our country is separate. Marriage equality has not ruined any marriages or children in the other countries it's already legal in. It will only strengthen families. I couldn't be a hypocrite believing one thing and belonging to an organization that believes another.

As I have done research, I have found that Joseph Smith's claims were not true. I am not going to detail it out. I am not looking to offend you or rip you apart. I have had a testimony. I have been to the temple to do baptisms for the dead.

I have found that there are no gods. All we have is the wonder of science and knowledge. The only time we have is now. And it's a beautiful wonderful thing. I was lied to my whole life. When I told my mom about my pain, she told me that I was just being melodramatic (something she has always called me, so that she never had to take me seriously.)

I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday. I hope you raise your children in the real love your Christ taught. I still have LDS friends who are active, who ask the same questions of me. But your statement that it can only bring good into my life is untrue in my case. Because of the LDS religion, I was lied to by my entire family for no good reason, I lost my identity at 18 and was never consoled by my mother, or my father, I was only comforted by my Aunt who wasn't Mormon. Everyone else felt so uncomfortable with me knowing, they didn't offer me as much as a hug.

I am not denying my children anything important. They have unconditional love (something I didn't have), science, wonder, mystery, truth, adventure, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. You and I both know that come the end of days, they will not be punished for my decision if the LDS church is true.

Sorry I have rambled for so long. If you've gotten to this point, I am amazed. :o) A lot more than this led to my leaving the church. I just don't know you and don't want to waste anymore of your time. You have at least two beautiful children to spend your time with.

Thank you again for your concern. I am sure you found me through the ex-Mormon facebook page and I wonder if you have emailed more people. There is always the possibility you are a friend of my mothers, if that is the case, you have no idea how much pain she has caused me, up to wishing my first child was born with a birth defect. And when my first child was born with a cleft, she told me it was because I wasn't going to church often enough. Then she would make it 'sing' or 'talk' by opening and closing it. Mocking my child's facial deformity...


RWH

Leilani



Carrie Lutz Grant January 12 at 6:55pm Report

I was up late one night and found the ex-Mormon site. I don't know your mother. I saw that you wrote you left the church and took your kids out of it. It made me cry. I know I have never met you.

I cannot believe what you have been through in your lifetime. I am sorry your mother treated you so poorly. I am sorry you did not get to meet your father. You must be a very strong person to have endured what you have.

You really need to be able to separate bad people from the gospel. Heavenly Father did not do any of that stuff to you. Nothing bad comes from him. Jesus has been through everything we have been through that is why we need a Savior. This life is hard and it comes with so many trials. We need God in our lives. My friend just lost her second child in a freak accident. She needs Heavenly Father and is feeling so much peace right now from his love.

That is why we are here on the earth to overcome hardships.

I really want to thank you for sharing your life with me. I am not judging you. I just want you to be happy. There are so many good LDS people out there and there are also LDS people that are not living the way they should. It does not mean the church is not true it means people make mistakes and your case you have seen people make huge mistakes and really hurt you.


Leilani (Me) January 14 at 12:31am

I appreciate your sincerity. But it's not just the pain. I touched briefly on how I found major dissonance with what Joseph Smith claimed as well as Brigham Young. I can speak freely of my pain, because I doubted it would offend you. But I cannot bring myself to rip someones belief system apart, just to explain why I left.

I have overcome what life has dealt me. And I can't tell you how wonderful it is having settled my cognitive dissonace. I know I cannot shake your faith, and no one can 'give' me back mine. Once you stop believing in Santa, it would be impossible to believe in him again. That's how I see god now. (Not trying to offend, just explain.)

But if you ever have a question for your 'Friendly neighborhood Atheist', feel free to email me again. I have nothing but love for my fellow human beings.
***

I felt like sharing this letter. I respond the same way to most of the letters I have received from nibby nose Mormon mothers who 'ache' for my children, 'cry' for my children, and 'get sick to their stomachs' because I chose to take my children out of the church. I guess that is what I get for joining Ex-Mormon facebook pages. This wasn't the first email, and it probably won't be the last.

I proved to her that the gospel doesn't only bring good into your life. Because of the gospel, my mother felt she needed to find a 'more worthy' man to be my father. Because of the gospel, my mom felt comfortable piling on guilt for years, and "knew in her heart" that god punished me for only attending church when the bouts of morning sickness subsided long enough to leave the house.

I could have ripped into her about how she believes the members of an organization don't reflect the organization. Because they do. I could have gone into the blood lineage of the Nephites or pointed out all the mistakes in the Book of Mormon, but she would have been prepared to claim that a human translated it and humans are flawed. I have found that you can't argue with crazy.

You can't reason with someone who's beliefs aren't based on reason.