Monday, October 5, 2015

Ramblings of a Broken Mother

Some of the things my Mother has said to me have really stayed with me. They aren't all verbatim, as I didn't write them all down when they were said. Many are worded exactly how they came out of her mouth and each one shaped me into the person I am today.

~"You're too old for hugs."
(I was 12.)

~"Tuck your butt in, suck in your tummy, and straighten your back. At least TRY to stand like a lady."
(I was about 14 and standing at the kitchen sink doing the dishes.)

~"You have really chubby knees."
(This was an ongoing comment.)

~"Boys like long, blonde hair. If you ever want to find a husband, you have to keep it that way."
(Every time I asked to get my hair cut or dyed back to my natural color.)

~"You should get acrylics, I think they would help distract from how fat your nail beds are."
(I think I was 15, she made mention of my 'fat' or 'chubby' body parts constantly.)

~"How dare you ask me that! Do you know how hurt your father would be if he found out you asked that?"
(I was 14 and asked her if my father was my birth father after she had spent 30 minutes hinting that he wasn't... and he isn't.)

~"Don't sing. You weren't given that talent. Hopefully you'll marry a man that can sing, so you'll have someone to sing your babies to sleep."
(These kinds of comments usually happened when I was singing along to something I was playing on the piano.)

~"You are so melodramatic."
(This was also a constant remark. I heard this more than I heard her say 'I love you'.)

~"Now you can date a good Mormon boy."
(After I had my heart broken for the very first time and mistakenly went to her for consolation.)

~"So when is the baby due?"
(After I told her I was eloping with my husband. I wasn't pregnant.)

~"I hope your baby has a birth defect."
(When I was doing research with my first pregnancy about possible anomalies and complications that could happen so I would be prepared. She said this, then stomped down the hall into her room and slammed the door.)

~"The reason she was born that way is because you aren't going to church."
(After my first child was born with an incomplete unilateral cleft lip she let me know that god was punishing me for not going to Mormon church.)

~"Did you read the story about (insert news story about a child getting raped, murdered, abused, etc.)?"
(Even after I told ehr to stop only sharing horrific stories with me because I couldn't handle it emotionally.)

~"I am going to call CPS if you don't start taking my grandchildren to [Mormon] church!"
(She threatened this more after we moved out of California.)

~"I am going to file a missing persons report if you don't give me your address."
(We had to go to our local police office to let them know we weren't missing.)

~"If I ever find out where you live, I will wait for you to drop my grandchildren off at school, I will go in and get them and take them home with me."
(She would threaten to kidnap my children via email.)

~"One day you'll understand. When the moon is in the first house of Aquarius of the morning sun you'll understand."
(This was her response when I asked why she lied to me my entire life. It isn't verbatim because it was so odd, but she told me when certain celestial bodies are aligned that I would instantly gain the knowledge of her motivation of her actions.)

I could totally see all of these as motivational posters. Thanks mom!